Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You may now shotgun with the bride
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
