I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
