u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
