i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
