had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
