Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I intend to get homeless drunk
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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