Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize