I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
