omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
