I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
