walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
