My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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