If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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