Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
