AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
