saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
