Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Randomize
