If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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