I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
