My first STD was from a foam party
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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