This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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