she woke up with a sticky ear
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
operation have a gay friend backfired
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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