my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
