question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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