I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
