Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
