The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
