How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize