are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
