I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
