Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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