White coat. Heels.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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