Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
