Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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