I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
