glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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