If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The best revenge is premature balding
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize