is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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