My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
