Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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