I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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