I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
