She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
