Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
