I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize