i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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