So drunk its hurt
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
