Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
