One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
