So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
