i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
