I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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