just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
