great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
