ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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