a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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