i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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