I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
