Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
