I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
